Alone

sorry i was having trouble with my computer so i posted the same comment four times.
SORRY!!!!!!
-BroadwayGirl

This was generally a good poem
First you could start by describing the actions in more detail as at the end i was left kind of confused: did she leave, die, kill herself it could be anything. i also felt that the poem didn't flow as well as it should have. As people have said to me before this is kind of cliched BUT there are so many pieces of work on YWS what won't get cliched after a while. To help with the flow of things try not to make it as much like a list, try connected with descriptive words,commas anything that will make it sound more natural. But don't worry in the end this poem wasn't bad to read. And at the beginning everyone gets loads of constructive criticism, that's how we improve.I know I've gotten a lot on my first poems. Keep these tips in mind when writing another poem or writing anything for that matter. Keep the poems coming.
-BroadwayGirl

This was generally a good poem
First you could start by describing the actions in more detail as at the end i was left kind of confused: did she leave, die, kill herself it could be anything. i also felt that the poem didn't flow as well as it should have. As people have said to me before this is kind of cliched BUT there are so many pieces of work on YWS what won't get cliched after a while. To help with the flow of things try not to make it as much like a list, try connected with descriptive words,commas anything that will make it sound more natural. But don't worry in the end this poem wasn't bad to read. And at the beginning everyone gets loads of constructive criticism, that's how we improve.I know I've gotten a lot on my first poems. Keep these tips in mind when writing another poem or writing anything for that matter. Keep the poems coming.
-BroadwayGirl

This was generally a good poem
First you could start by describing the actions in more detail as at the end i was left kind of confused: did she leave, die, kill herself it could be anything. i also felt that the poem didn't flow as well as it should have. As people have said to me before this is kind of cliched BUT there are so many pieces of work on YWS what won't get cliched after a while. To help with the flow of things try not to make it as much like a list, try connected with descriptive words,commas anything that will make it sound more natural. But don't worry in the end this poem wasn't bad to read. And at the beginning everyone gets loads of constructive criticism, that's how we improve.I know I've gotten a lot on my first poems. Keep these tips in mind when writing another poem or writing anything for that matter. Keep the poems coming.
-BroadwayGirl

This was generally a good poem
First you could start by describing the actions in more detail as at the end i was left kind of confused: did she leave, die, kill herself it could be anything. i also felt that the poem didn't flow as well as it should have. As people have said to me before this is kind of cliched BUT there are so many pieces of work on YWS what won't get cliched after a while. To help with the flow of things try not to make it as much like a list, try connected with descriptive words,commas anything that will make it sound more natural. But don't worry in the end this poem wasn't bad to read. And at the beginning everyone gets loads of constructive criticism, that's how we improve.I know I've gotten a lot on my first poems. Keep these tips in mind when writing another poem or writing anything for that matter. Keep the poems coming.
-BroadwayGirl

Interesting. It wasn't too cliched like a lot of poems about death/parents leaving/abandonment.

Aww! Thank you so much. I am posting a re-write.

EDIT: Here's the link: post252590.html#252590

K thanks!

Wow I love this poem its so emotional!!
You've got real talent cant wait for your next one!!

I didn't comment on this? I thought I did! Shame on me, lol.

Anyway, I think it's cool how you can just say, "Oh, this is one of my old poems, because that implies that you got better. And that is awesome because this piece is so emotional in itself. I adore the voice of the narrator because it's just so simple. He got his first A, he's doing good, etc., and then something HAPPENS. So you combine poetry with storytelling, but you don't overdo it, and that's wonderful.

My only real gripe is afterwards, when he realizes that his mommy is gone, the sky decides to turn gray and cold. It just sounds too much like a coincidence. Still, I can see how it's useful, to tell the story, but I'm wondering if maybe there is another, better way to show this?

Also, "I am done/Finished with life." I would get rid of this, just because.

Still! I like the poem. It's sad...

hehe. thanks for this crit...it is a really old piece of mine. : )


and ginger, i dont know how i feel about it either. :\

Mmmmm....

It's okay. You worked a pretty bland conecpt into a fairly entertaining, sad, intriguing piece, and your simple word choice make the poem that much more concise. So good juob on that,

The structure is awful. I'd rather you separated this into stanzas and combine a few lines. I think the best bet is something like this:

"Walking home from school,
My friends surrounding me.
They're so loyal,
They make me feel so good. This is REALLY random. I think it'll be good getting rid of it.

I'm so excited...
Got my first `A.`
Can't wait to tell you.

Sprinting through the rusted screen door,
Heard a squeak.

I yell your name, Mommy, Here, your transition from the action to the result is weak. It'll be better liike. "I yell your name, Mommy--
but there was no reply
[i]Nobody answered...
Complete silence.

I think this would be an exce;;ent time to add descriptions. Maybe you hear a bird answering, or the wind replying to you? Something like that..

I run through the house.
Could you be out?
I don't think so,
Not on a day like today[/i]--
Sunny, bright, [i]and <-----deletefun.

Now, walking through the den,
I burst into tears.

The sky turns gray.
I run outside,
Into the pouring rain.

Crying, my tears mix This is really cliche. I read at least three other times when tears mixed with rain. I think you should dump the rain and make a comparison between your sandess and the cheerfulness outside.
With the sad little drops
From the heavens.

Mommy, I am alone now.
Daddy left me too, now you?
I am done,
Finished with life. I don't like this line. Add something using much more concise words... "Life abondoned me." Something that will include a word that describes loneliness, to tie in to the ending.Now all I am is alone. "



It wasn't that great overall, but it wasn't bad either. With a little editing, this could be PERFECT!

PM me if you have question.

I'm not so sure

I liked the concept, but I'm not a fan of the depressing poems and stories. I felt as though, before we reach the end, the poem was just wandering, aimlessly, and it didn't truly grip me into reading it all, with enthusiasm.

I love it!!! I love it!!! I love it!!! Such emotion!

Thanks, Ferris! xD

Well I must say I wasn't explacting that ending.
That was great how you twisted from something happy and normal to something upsetting and depressing because that's how real life quite often works. You're so happy and then something comes and brings you right down.

I am done,
Finished with life.
Now all I am is alone.

I'd thought I'd let you know that when I auditioned for a musical, I read this poem. I had added and changed a few things, and guess what? I got a lead! The judges and the preformers were near tears. LOL.

Thanks, all. And I will still accept crits, for I am thinking about doing a re-write!

Hey, Guys--

You all said I needed to explain what happened to the mother. I thought it would be different to have the reader, like, infer or whatever. I dont know, I thought it would be cool.

And thank you all so much for the sweet comments!!!

And I am so sorry, I will critique right...NOW!!!! LOL

Thank you!!!! xxxx

I said I would, so I will. It's not like any other piece of poetry I've read so I like it. It's origional and unique. That's good. I can't really add anything else because the others have covered everything.

~ Shadowsun

Parts of this seem very... random. Like when the mother isn't home and the child bursts into tears. It is the backstory, in addition to the current events, that adds depth to whatever you're telling about. In the case of this poem, I think I'd rather know about this family's life before the child's parents were missing; then the parents' dissapearence might mean something to me.

You might also want to expand on the part about the loyalty of the narrator's friends. It begins the poem, but doesn't go very far after that.

OK i know this has been said but what the HAY!

LOVVVVVVE it.

It was very good for an early poem. Like the others said, add in a little more detail and description and this could be even better.

Try to work on coming up with new ways to describe things, not just the same ol' same ol' "Nobody answered...
Complete silence. "
etc.

Oh, and you might want to get some critiques in, I think technically the rule is 2 before you post your first piece.

Best of luck,
~Ed

Very... depressing to say the least.

I'm glad it didn't end up like most poems, I thought you were just praising the goodness of life or something.

I think this would work out better if rather than talking to the reader/the MC's (Your) mother, you just described the actions, the day. You don't really tell us what happens to the mother. (She left, she killed herself, someone killed her, drug overdose, car accident, she went mental etcetera.)

Giving us the action, and more detail would really up the content of the poem. Make us feel upset about it, also. Make us feel what the MC (you) is feeling.

You're young, so very new to poetry Keep it up, and always read poetry. That will help you the most in the end.

Best of luck.

Wow! I really like this. It is really emotional.
I like how you start it off with just a normal day and then get into the real meaning of the poem later.

My friends surrounding me.

Mommy, I am alone now.
Daddy left me too, now you?